This is not normal for me. To be honest I've never really thought about blogging my entire life - I couldn't grasp what it was. I was told it was a platform where people could basically write a diary for others to read, or have it for reviews, etc. That sort of stuff but I couldn't figure out, why? Why would anyone want to read about my life?
I am not doing this in hopes for people to read about my life but instead to have an outlet. I do have a journal I write in that is not on my computer but I figure it might be right to do it here.
You see, I am schizophrenic and have Borderline Personality Disorder. With my life, stress and situation, the world seems more complicated than it should. I hear voices, I see things, I experience emotions on another level that a sane mind wouldn't quite grasp and with it all I am severely overwhelmed. So I am starting this journey to try to type up just some of my life and if I can, on a daily, if not, weekly level. So let's begin.
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Today I went on an emotional roller coaster. This morning I woke up thinking I was heading to work to be told, nope, not today! Which isn't a problem for me - the roads have a chance of icing over and the risk of sliding is high. I'm terrified driving; I've had nightmares most of my life of my brakes not working so I couldn't stop the car. I never get to see the ending, what happens to me, the dream just switches scenes.
So instead of heading in I had a few extra hours to spend dilly dallying away before I would have to take my husband to work. Now, for anyone who doesn't know me, I am a huge gamer. I've been playing games since the first I can remember. When I am caught in a rut, life leaves me stuck inbetween games with no real certainity of what I want to play. Right now my web of games is Skyward Sword, Grand Theft Auto V, Skyrim and Stardew Valley. I know, right? A really odd list. My husband prefers me to play Skyward Sword, I think, because he wants to see the scenes in the game but today I started off with Stardew Valley. I wanted to kick back and fish a little bit.
The first thing my husband says to me when he notices me playing was, "So your done on Skyward already?" Of course that shouldn't bother me - he's just pointing out the obvious through his eyes. But I have a really bad habit of giving up and never finishing things so it kind of ...well, kicked in my Borderline.
I felt horrible. Disgusted with myself but angry. 'I never finish anything.' I thought to myself. It's exactly what the voices would be whispering if they were quiet at that moment. I ended up getting off and on Skyward Sword, but I just wasn't right for it.
After dropping off Zac I wanted to just give into a guilty pleasure of mine. Before anyone judges I want to say, I do not -love- Twilight. It is one of those mundane movies I can put in the background for background noise while I focus on writing fanfics or my novels (which non of them I have finished.) However, today I would have to pay for the movie on demand. Which is stupid through my eyes, due to there was a marathon of the entire series the night before. (Found out when flipping through movies last nights to watch.) Well, anyway. It allowed me to watch a show I've been wanting to start for a while now.
Revenge Body. I admit - I am not over weight. I weigh 121 pounds for a 5'0 woman. I do wish my body was more toned in some places and hey, a skinny girl can feel..disgusted in her own body too. And I do. The voices never made it easy for me. They made me feel ugly, stupid and wrong. What I want for my future is rounder hips, fill with muscle and to tone out my lower abs, since my top ones need brothers and sisters. That's not to much to ask......Until I have to ask myself to do it. Like I mentioned, I ...fail..at keeping on anything, at finishing anything.
My goals for this year are:
Get the hips I want.
Finish my Abs.
Work on at least 2 chapters for my books a month. (That's alot for me..trust me.)
Quit soda.
Help my husband get into shape, as per he requested.
The show is actually very good and inspirational. I don't care much for Kardashian drama, but I will admit, looking at them makes me want to eat healthier, work out more, practice my makeup and actually try to better my life. I don't know why it flares that flame but it sure does.
At least I only had one soda today. That's something, right?
I was in a good mood for majority of my day. I got my husband lunch all done, a healthy meal for our lunch time gym visit...up until I dropped him off. I made him lunch, took him to the gym so he and I can better ourselves. I asked him about his day - and right at the end, I asked him to please not lose the glass container that I had put the almonds in, for a snack for him during lunch time. He didn't eat them at lunch, so he was going to take them to work - that is where I asked him to please not lose it. Instead of just saying, "Yeah, no problem."
He says o me, "I would have liked it in a plastic bag instead."
Wow....Wow. I make you lunch, take you to the gym...And I get that? I wasn't just angry, I was hurt. I felt under-appreciated. Really under appreciated. It was bad. I told him that before he closed the door and I knew, right then, he knew what he said because suddenly he tried to be all nice. "Drive safe. Text me when you get home. Love you."
I ignored him. I was angry. I knew if I opened my mouth, my borderline would say something terrible. I just drove off. I was hurt and frustrated.
Why do I even do anything for him to begin with? He could have just said, "Sorry." Or, "That came out wrong." Anything.
I get home, given into my guilty food binges and ate a bowl of ramen instead of something healthy that would help my goals. I wash the dishes and clean up my mess; my mother comes into the kitchen and says, "What's all this mess?" By the way...She said that while looking at the dishes drying by the sink as they ALWAYS HAVE.
I turn to her and say back, now completely hurt and frustrated, "At least I washed them."
Most people probably just think all this emotional crap is just stupid and I need to get over it. But this is just a tiny bit of borderline and schizophrenia. And thus...my online blogging a diary begins...,
